I woke up in the dark.

Let's unpack this.

When you go through personal anguish and fall deep into the darkness, you either learn how to live in the dark or fight your way out. I have been digging my way out of the darkness for 6 years and I know I am not alone. 

For a while I sat in the darkness. I gave into my depression, my loneliness and my fears. I let me mind, health and relationships go and I didn't even know who I was anymore. Then one night a few nights after I turned 38, I almost gave up forever. I don't know how or why at the moment I almost swallowed enough pills to sleep forever, the face of my daughter flashed in my head. I saw her smile as bright at the sun and it saved me. I was lucky. As cliche as it sounds, that moment changed me forever. 

I woke up the next day ready to get my shit together. I started planning how I would be better. I wanted to be a better wife and mother. I wanted to improve my physical and mental health. It was a  lot, but I was ready. A month after this happened I hadn't told anyone. It was my pain and shame and I didn't know how to tell anyone. I also didn't want people to see how weak I was. (A thought that I now do not believe in, after years of therapy I understand.) During that month my husband at the time told me he wanted to leave. I was 39 years old, I finally woke up and was ready to do better, to be better and for my marriage, it was too late. 

I was devastated. I still didn't tell him what I had done in our bedroom 30 days ago. I didn't want him to stay because he felt sorry for me, that would be worse than why he was really leaving. The person that I thought was the love of my life, didn't want me. The truth of it, he hadn't wanted me for a long time. I knew it, I had known it. I was lying to myself. I am going to be totally honest, it wasn't his fault, it was our fault. We had no Idea how to love each other, talk to each other, help each other. We were lost and selfish. That also took me a long time to learn or to admit.

You learn a lot about yourself when you have to admit you can't blame the darkness in your life on other people. Yes, people can hurt you and cause hurt. However we all make decisions and those decisions have outcomes. I let my relationship with my ex-husband die, we let our marriage die. We didn't have the tools to do better and we silently chose not to get the tools we needed. I shut down during the last few years of our marriage and he went to find someone that would appreciate him. I don't believe in "fault", but I do believe in self sabotage, and that's what we did to ourselves and our relationship. 

So now I'm 39, with a teenage daughter, a public life and so far a 2 quiet failures. What am I going to do? 

I am going to have to wake the fuck up!